Being pregnant is amazing…well some of the time anyway. Aside from the usual things that every preggo talks and moans about, there are upsides and some women that really love being pregnant.
However, it is hard being pregnant sometimes when you are someone who does really love it and savors every little thing about it cos you know how lucky you are…whilst also being ridiculously scared of it all!
As I have written about before, we had a loss before Wriggler and, for me, I appreciated my second pregnancy even more cos I felt so lucky to get another chance. After 12 weeks passed I talked about being pregnant more openly, and after 16 weeks and another scan I decided to focus on the positives and the belief that I would bring my baby home.
Somehow though I found Fidget’s pregnancy harder. The loss before Fidget was at a much earlier stage, but I fell pregnant again within the month, so it took me a long time to accept that this was a whole new pregnancy and nothing more negative. Complicated by general anxiety about whether I would get to keep this baby or not, I felt guilt for enjoying the pregnancy when several good friends had recently experienced late-term miscarriages and a stillbirth. Yet I still also adored my new baby and loved every kick, turn and a lot of hiccups (literally every meal time and then some).
A friend is now pregnant after a loss and she and I have discussed how a loss does change things with how you feel about the pregnancy…and sometimes it can seem worse (or more scary) if you have already had a successful pregnancy before the loss.
This isn’t a game of one-upmanship between who is grieving more or more impacted by a loss; but more that by enjoying a pregnancy which resulted in bring your baby home, and then spending the following months loving them, getting to know them and celebrating their milestones, it is so scary that you might not get that again.
You know just how powerfully you love your oldest, and already love your pip, and know it will be even more so when you get to cuddle them. So the thought of losing them is so much harder. You know how amazing it can be when things work out and how horrible it is when it doesn’t. You can’t believe how you get to be so lucky to be pregnant again, but it is so scary because you want to protect your pip so fiercely. You have seen your older child grown and learn and become their own little person that makes you laugh til you pee your pants…(as a mum that happens more than we care to admit). The idea that you might not get to meet this little person and their character is just something that breaks a part of you that cannot be labelled.
My friend was concerned that she was struggling to embrace the pregnancy…I confess I found it harder to embrace things with Fidget…we didn’t announce the pregnancy until nearer 20 weeks and I was cautious in discussing anything. I worried more and I also worried for Wriggler and the impact of the baby on him. But then I did still enjoy the pregnancy, I loved Fidget and the personality I could already tell was different to Wriggler.
But I wish I had enjoyed it more…no matter what; if Fidget was my last baby I will always wish I had loved every second more…I know it is scary and you worry, but you worry when they are home in your arms. You were when they are asleep, or running, or playing.
So, my advice to my friend – love every second. Even when you worry – love it. What if this moment is all you get, all we have? Better to love it surely? And cuddle your baby as much as you need to cos they can never have enough cuddles…pick them up when they ask because one day they will stop asking and (even if you really hate being pregnant), please, please, revel in it for a little bit – growing a life is such a precious gift.