A friend of mine recently confessed that they had a miscarriage earlier this year and it really hit them hard. Not just because it was unexpected (the miscarriage), but because she already has a baby so knows her body can do it. How could it let her down and betray her so?
Another friend of mine is waiting to finally welcome her rainbow into the world after several losses and says she still can’t believe that she might get a baby.
And these conversations got me thinking…my first pregnancy ended in a missed miscarriage at 12 weeks and a D&C. My second resulted in Wriggler. My third was a natural loss at 6 weeks. My fourth was Fidget.
My feelings in each pregnancy and related to each loss were so different and complex. After the first loss I felt betrayed, a failure. That I would never hold my own baby in my arms. So, when I fell pregnant again I made sure to revel in every moment of the pregnancy, because what if that is all I ever got?
After the second loss I felt bereft. I felt like I wasn’t entitled to grieve as it was so early and that people I cared about had suffered more and wasn’t I already lucky enough that I had one baby? I was shocked when I fell pregnant again, I always thought I would only have 3 babies, and I had, so how come I was blessed with a 4th? I loved the baby, but the fear of knowing what I would lose if I lost this baby was greater than anything I experienced in the other pregnancies. I had met Wriggler and knew how amazing he was, and how much better my life was with him in it. Imagining another beautiful person and then the thought of them being taken away is actually too much to bear.
Somehow having one loss does not prepare you for another, each loss is unique in their own right and deserves being remembered in their own right. But, how I relate to each loss is different, given my experience in the prior months to each pregnancy.
When you lose your first, you are missing a million things that you hoped and dreamed for, but only experienced to a point. When you lose a baby after carrying a previous pregnancy to term, you know almost exactly what you are missing. I am not saying at any point that one loss is worse than another, just how you relate to it knowing what your own child looks like, smells like and how they hold your little finger for the first time amplifies things differently.
Even now when I look at my two sleeping boys I cant get enough of them and who they are becoming and I think of my two angel babies and wonder about their faces and what quirks they would have had. My heart breaks at even the concept of ever losing them.
So hold your little ones close, they are never too big to be cuddled to sleep on occasion and you can not spoil a newborn by showering them in your love.